Just Don't F#@& Her!

So, Zerlina of Feministing is now a contributor at Ebony magazine's website. Her first post was "Stop Telling Woman How Not to Get Raped: Our Victim Blaming Tactics Do Little to Prevent Sexual Assault":

No more ad campaigns and public service announcements targeted at women to teach them how to avoid rape. It’s not effective, it’s offensive, and it’s also a lie. Telling women that they can behave in a certain way to avoid rape creates a false sense of security and it isn’t the most effective way to lower the horrible statistics which show that 1 in 5 women will become victims of a completed or attempted rape in their lifetime. The numbers for African American women are even higher at nearly 1 in 4.

We need anti-rape campaigns that target young men and boys. Campaigns that teach them from a young age how to respect women, and ultimately themselves, and to never ever be rapists. In addition, we should implore our men and boys to call out their friends, relatives, and classmates for inappropriate behavior and create systems of accountability amongst them.

Think of this way: Drunk driving prevention has always targeted the potential perpetrator. They say how to tell if you're too drunk to drive, the importance of finding a designated driver, and what consequences you could face if you're arrested for drunk driving. (Even liquor ads tell you to "please drink responsibly".) Not one PSA is about how to avoid being hit by a drunk driver on the road, yet almost all rape prevention PSAs are about how to avoid getting raped.

For some baffling reason, this new approach to rape prevention has gotten some pushback. In the comment section of Zerlina's article, I've noticed that most of the criticism falls into 6 categories:

1) Of course men know that rape is wrong! Stop painting all men as rapists!

First of all, not all men know that rape is wrong because not all men know what rape is. As a matter of fact, "Estimates of the percentage of men who acknowledge committing rape and attempted rape have come from studies that ask questions about sexually violent behavior without labeling such behavior as 'rape' or 'assault.'" And until the government starts mandating that rapists where T-shirts with the words "I am A Rapist" on them, I'll exercise on the side of caution.

2) It isn't fair to make men responsible for other men's behavior.

Then, why is it fair to make women responsible for men's behavior?:

• "What were you wearing?"




• "Did you smile at him?"




• "Did you say no?"




• "What did you say to make him think you were interested?"




• "Why were you there?"




• "Were you unconscious?"




• "Are you sure you told him no?"

We're not asking for a man to come riding in a white steed. But if your of your pals is acting like a jerk and harassing someone, try to keep him in check. And while you're at it, check your own behavior.

3) What about the women who rape men? Why doesn't this prevention program include them?

There are organizations out there who provide support to men who have been victims of rape. It is unfortunate that more coverage isn't being given on this issue. However, 9 out 10 victims of rape are women. One shouldn't ignore the gendered aspect of this crime.

4) You're living in a fantasy world if you think women shouldn't learn to protect themselves. Anything could happen. Don't blame it all on men.

Remember when you were younger and you were told to always look both ways before crossing the street? What if you looked both ways, but still got hit by a car? Is the appropriate response "He shouldn't have crossed the street if he didn't want to get hit by that car" or "The driver shouldn't have hit that pedestrian with his car"?

5) There will always be murders, serial killers, and rapists. Talking to them and trying to teach them won't work.

Why bother getting out of bed each morning if we have to back in the evening? Why bother eating when we're going to be hungry again in a few hours? Why bother cleaning ourselves if we're just going to get dirty again? Why bother getting an education/enjoying your passions/living life if we're all just going to die?

6) What about the women who make false allegations or claim rape after already having sex?

Again, in D.C., the severity of a sex abuse charge depends entirely upon the
actions of the perpetrator, and not at all on the feelings of the victim. The
legal system does not care how traumatized the victim is, whether the victim has
changed her mind about how she feels about her sexual assault since it happened,
or whether the victim wants to press charges. Let's recap: According to the law,
the only things that matter are: (a) whether the perpetrator had reason to know
that the victim did not consent, (b) whether the perpetrator had reason to know
that the victim could not consent, and (c) whether the rapist used force. D.C.
law is only concerned with the severity of the rapist's actions—not whether the
victim "secretly liked it," "totally wanted it," or "only regretted it
later."

Source. Local laws vary, of course. But that's not the point. If a man is so concerned about a woman pressing charges against him even after enthusiastically agreed to sex, then the only solution is....

...

...

...

...

wait for it....

...

...

...

DON'T FUCK HER.

Think about it: She might be real fun now but she could turn into a real bitch later. After all, you have been told by your parents, friends, and daytime television that you shouldn't talk to strange women in bars. She might lie about you and your intentions. What will your friends and family think? They might shun you and never look at the same way again. How will this affect your career and your home life? Your life may never be the same again.

It isn't fair, is it? It's also not fair that women have had to endure that kind of scrutiny when they report a rape. As Zerlina says in another post, "No one should go to prison based on a false rape claim, but no woman should be forced into a prison of silence based on theoretical speculation about the possibility of women making up rape stories for sport."

I really think that behind all of the criticism for men-targeted rape prevention programs is the idea that men are entitled to sex: "'No' means 'yes', 'maybe' means 'try harder'." Nice Guys® lament the fact that women won't sleep with them even after they done all that hard work like listening to their thoughts and ideas, helping them out, and being their friend. Men train to become pick-up artists to learn just the right words to say to a woman in order to convince her to have sex. The idea that men might be better of just saying no to sex is completely foreign.

So, if you're worried that she might accuse you of raping her after you've had sex: JUST DON'T FUCK HER.

If you're not sure whether "no" means "yes": JUST DON'T FUCK HER.

If you don't know if she's too drunk to consent: JUST DON'T FUCK HER.

Don't take this mean that I'm against sex. I am, however, against men who say that the reason it's so hard to navigate around rape laws is because of "angry, man-hating feminists", instead of examining their own complicity to rape culture. Instead of being angry that rape prevention is finally targetting more than one half of the population, wonder about how to stop rape from occuring in the first place.

Update @ 4:04 PM, CST: OMG! I just found this!

Reading Project

I've volunteered for an interesting assignment: As you may or may not know, I work in a residential facility for juvenile offenders. The facility just received a large donation of books and board games from one of the local high schools. Before we can put the books into the facility library for ciculation, however, they need to be screened for "appropriate content". That includes sexual situations, graphic violence, drug use, and any situations that can be construed as being gang-related. Even though it seems silly that a movie like "West Side Story" wouldn't be able to get a pass, we serve a very specific group of youth. Besides, I don't make the rules. I just screen the material.

Anyway, some of the books were easy to screen by title or book jacket description alone. The Little Ballerina? Yes. A book about two characters meeting in an "adult toy store". No. Volcanoes and Other Natural Disasters. Yes. A book about the gadgets seen in the James Bond movies? Wait a sec - there's no way they'd get past the name Pussy Galore.

Since most of these actually have to be read before putting them into circulation, I thought it'd be an interesting idea to write about what I read. I'm going to start reading a couple of the books this weekend. Hopefully by this time next week, I'll have a review posted.

Racefail in Occupy Nashville

This is a copy of an e-mail I just to the leaders of the Occupy Nashville movement. I will update if I receive a response.

Hello,

I had heard on the news this morning that Occupy Nashville was planning a human auction this morning to protest the privatization of prisons. I had hoped that I was mistaken. Unfortunately, I logged on to your website and discovered that it was true.

You claim that the protest is in response to, amongst other things, the "brutal treatments of prisoners in a mass incarceration system that systematically disenfranchises our African-American brothers and sisters". If you truly cared about your "African-American brothers and sisters", you wouldn't mock the brutal history of our ancestors by holding this auction. Yes, slavery ended long ago, but the institutional racism it created still exists today.

Even though I can't be there in person, I do support the Occupy movement and what it stands for. I was proud when I learned that it would be coming to my city. However, I'm upset that the thoughts and feelings of those who make up the majority of the people oppressed by the 1% - *my* African-American brothers and sisters - were not taken into consideration when this auction was being planned. I hope that you rethink your position, and cancel the auction.

Sincerely,

[real name redacted]

Update (2:29 PM CST): I still haven't received a reply, but I did notice that they deleted the words "Human Auction" from the Google Calendar Page. However, according to the Facebook page the auction will go on as plan. It's supposed to start at 3:30 PM CST, so we'll see.

Update (11:32 PM CST): They had the auction. No amount of outrage of outrage on Facebook, no amount of angry or concerned e-mails was going to keep them from showing their white privilege. Can't say I'm surprised. It's Slutwalk NYC all over again. Whatever. I'm through. I just cannot trust white progressive movements. I can't.

There were always questions as to whether the movement was truly inclusive. Even after allegations of sexual harassment, sexual assault, and blatant racism arose, there were still men and women from diverse backgrounds who came forth and said that the Occupy movement is something for all of us, something that everyone should become involved in.

And then this shit happens.

Oh, I don't blame them. And I know that one small branch of the movement doesn't necessary speak for the entire thing.

Or do I.

As I said before, this is Slutwalk NYC all over again. Even though Slutwalk Toronto came out with a great statement condemning what happened (even though the organizers of Slutwalk NYC did the same), how can I be sure that this shit won't happen again?

I can't.

And that's why I don't trust. I can't trust. If I do trust, then that means giving people of the benefit of doubt, even while they say I'm being "divisive", "hostile", "silly", "angry", etc. It means trying to make them understand where I'm coming from, when it's obvious that they don't give a damn. It means seeking support and finding none.

Well, fuck it.

I can't do it anymore. I won't do it anymore.

Find a new "Black Friend" because I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Dear Penn State Students:

Your priorities are fucked up.

Why weren't you rioting when you discovered that one of your coaches has been molesting little boys for the past 15 years? Where is the outrage over the fact that Paterno knew what was going on and lied about it in order to protect the molester and to cover his own ass? What is wrong with you people that you care more about this man's reputation than you do about what happened to those children?

Sandusky isn't the only one guilty in this matter. Those children have also been victimized by the people who didn't report the allegations to the police like they were supposed to and by the students who participated in the riot and revealed to those children that football takes priority over child abuse.

You disgust me.

Edit: more reactions to the riots:

NunesMagician.com: The Penn State Students Are an Embarassment to College Students Everywhere

Racialicious: What the Hell Has Penn State Become?

Feministe: Sure, children were raped but...

Lastly, I never thought I'd be linking to her, but when she's right:

The disgust over this scandal — this evil, this horror — transcends
partisanship.

Michelle Malkin: Pinheads at Penn State

Sigh...

This poster was made by me at Big Huge Labs.

For Brianna and Every Other Little Girl in the Same Situation

[TRIGGER WARNING]

I am so proud of this girl:

Brianna said that there was this kid about nine or ten years old at camp, Michael, who had been bugging her all week. She said that it began with hits and pinches, pokes and staring. The usual bullshit that I think most kids are exposed to. But, she said that his behavior escalated. That Michael began saying things about her growing breasts and her ass — and that when she spoke to her group leader (an adult), she simply told Brianna to “Tell him to stop it.” No action was taken by this adult...On the last day of camp, as the kids piled onto a bus to come back into the city, the harassment resumed. This time, Michael decided that he was going to touch the parts he’d been commenting on. Brianna warned him, shoved him away and told this same adult — who was supervising this bus trip — what happened. The woman told Michael to leave her alone, and did nothing else. Brianna told this woman, “I’m gonna beat him up if he touches my chest again.”

He did it again; she socked him square in the face. The group leader rushed to this boy’s aid and called the police, citing Brianna’s age and size as reasons why she should not have hit Michael. The adult had the bus driver pull over, and she called the fucking cops. On a thirteen-year-old who acted in her own defense. Thankfully, the police never came. But: this woman did not follow camp procedure (no incident report, she did not contact Brianna’s mother or the other child’s primary caregiver). She called the fucking police. Who, thankfully, never came.

Bitch needs to lose her job over this. Yes, I called her a bitch and I don't really give a fuck. She stood by and did NOTHING while a child was being sexually harassed and assaulted. And then had the damn nerve to call the police when she defended herself. I'll say it again: Bitch needs to lose her job.

The title of that post is called "I Don't Have a Title for This; I'm Too Busy Being Angry." It was written by one of Brianna's co-parents. Please click on the link above to show your support.

The Homeless Diet

I've been getting a lot of compliments lately about my weight loss. "You look good! Have you lost weight?" "Are you on a new program?" "Have you been doing any exercises?"

"No," I tell them. "Nothing really." I just haven't been able to eat like I want to.

In her recent interivew with Shape magazine, Rosario Dawson said:

After losing weight to play a drug addict dying of HIV/AIDS in the 2005 film "Rent," she was stunned to hear compliments about her figure. "I remember everyone asking what did you do to get so thin? You looked great," Dawson recalled. "I looked emaciated."

Before my mother passed away due to cancer, she also received compliments from her friends on her weight loss. I remember being so damn angry. She wasn't on any weight-loss program; she had cancer, FFS!

What are you supposed to tell people in a situation like this? It's difficult to just accept the compliment because you know that you would rather not have to be in the situation that made you lose weight in the first place. I would take a few extra pounds and few more inches on my waistline over having to live out my car any day of the week!

Have any of you been in a situation like this? Did any illness or a misfortune force a change on your body that you were complimented on? How did you deal with it?